Me

Me
my 1st year as a "Nana."

Learn to Earn

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Out of Synch

uhg. I feel a rant coming on.
I have isolated myself way too much since before my surgery.
I have a job that I probably spend too much time at.
I need to get back to the gym on a regular basis, and I need to stop worrying that I WILL RUN INTO MY EX-WHATEVER HE WAS.
I NEED TO STOP WORRYING THAT I AM NOT GOOD LOOKING ENOUGH FOR SOMEONE AS YOUTH IS FADING FAST, AND SOME OLD CODGER (MY AGE) IS NOT GOING TO LOOK ANY BETTER IN THE MIRROR THAN I DO
. Handsome is as hondsome does and that has never been a problem for me.

I HAVE MET SOME BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE ON LINE, AND I DO NOT HAVE TO SEE THEM TO KNOW THAT THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL. SOME ARE SO NICE YOU CAN'T HELP BUT REALIZE THAT YOU CAN FALL IN LOVE WITH PEOPLE WHO JUST TREAT YOU REALLY WELL. I SOMETIMES GET CAUGHT UP IN THE WORLD OF HURT, AND JUST NEED TO KNOW THAT I AM WORTH BEING LOVED. WHEN I DO NOT GET THE LOVE I NEED, I LASH OUT AND THEN SET UP THE VISCIOUS CYLE OF REAPING WHAT I SOW. I JUST NEED TO KEEP BEING NICE EVEN IF I DON'T GET LOVE FROM THE PEOPLE WHOM I WANT LOVE FROM like the following: my immediate family, STUDENTS, COLLEAGUES, THE OPPOSITE SEX, other RELATIVES, OR PERFECT STRANGERS. They are all simply too busy, which is rationale for me to be just as busy.

WHY DO I FEEL IT IS NECESSARY TO LOOK FOR SOMEONE ON LINE WHEN THERE IS A TOWN OF PEOPLE AROUND ME. FEAR?
YES, FEAR IS WHAT HOLDS ME BACK BEHIND THIS SCREEN.
FEAR IS WHAT KEEPS ME TALKING TO MYSELF WITH EVERY KEY STROKE.
AND THEN THE ASSININE THING ABOUT THAT IS THAT IT HURTS MY SPINE UP AND DOWN MY BONES ALL OVER , my body HATEs ME FOR IT.
SO WHY THE HELL DO I DO IT?
To NOT FEEL LONELY.
THE TRUTH IS I AM STILL LONELY DESPITE THE CONNECTIONS MADE WITH MY FINGERTIPS.

I need to get busy living a real life instead of a virtual one. So if I come to this computer, I need to set a time limit and a goal. I need to spend more time on the structure of my business plan and heck maybe higher someone to do the marketing. I have made some stable contacts that communicate with me without ulterior motives. And I have made some savvied business associates whom I admire. I keep coming back to them for inspiration and encouragement. I've been a myspacer now for 11 months and these folks have been on my screen every day to remind me that dance and good friends are a good part of life. I must free myself from this keyboard to spread my wings, fly.

I must learn that “Speak Naturally” computer program to do the typing for me. What’s holding me back is fear, fear; frigid fear is keeping me from getting it in gear. Any suggestions in how to cut loose those bonds of darkness or desperation to cling to the old ways. Technology is busting me and yet it is the tool to more freedom. Honestly, I would love a techno-savvy man to drop into my life. But then I would not learn what I need to in order to swing this business into shape.

Except if I were rich. Then I would hire the people with the know-how. No the real steps are baby ones. Me and My body come first and foremost.


Forgive me for my ranting:
I have to get on with the laundry and dishes and such before work is upon me tomorrow. I am just venting to get me out of my rut. One thing I am doing is typing to smooth jazz music. It is helping lift my spirits, which I am hoping will transfer into body energy.

MY PRAYER: God save me from failing. Help me be what you designed me to be. Help me cut the crap and clutter out of my life. Help me get my house in order, if not for me for my remaining loved ones. I know You can come like a thief in the night. Just help me get some things right and in order before that day comes. Take my afflictions away just in time for me to do what is necessary. My body is having a tough time and I am just beginning my 50’s. Allow me to love it regardless of the pain and not feel guilty about it and the lack of love it has. Obviously there is not a proper man to help me in more ways than one. So, I am publicly asking you to bless me with the time I have left so that I may use it wisely. Healing me may be asking too much. Maybe I am not meant to live as long as I would like. I certainly don’t want to live much longer if I still have the pains of aging and I can’t keep up my home improvements and life’s goals. It’s weird because my mind doesn’t feel old. Help me Lord. I don’t want to just exist.“I know you know I know so let’s get this show on the road.”

Friday, October 13, 2006

TIME

Time: If you don't use it you lose it. Confession: It has been so long since I have been on this site, I have totally forgotten how to use it. So this is like a test run to see where this ends up. I had forgotten about this until a girlfriend, whom I dearly love and miss, dropped me an email in response to one I left her in December of '05 to check out my Blog here. She thrilled me last week with a compliment: "This is awesome ...." I take the compliment highly as she is a credentialed teacher, and she is a linguist of sorts have become a speech therapist. Donna, this one is for you!

Good, I mean really true friends will pass the test of time. Time is eternally relative to them. They can go months, years, and eons and pick up right where they left off. Some may think this is a shame, but it is a necessary fact of life on earth. Life is so friggin' short that if a loved one moves across the country and you cannot make the treck to see them, but once every decade, you may be lucky to see them 5 more times in this life. I think distance and time teach us to prepare for eternity. Hell, they could live in the same town but be so busy with their earthly responsibilities, that you might see them at Christmas or a wedding or lastly at their funeral. At least, in what is called heaven, we won't have to worry about funerals or possibly being too late. I'm sure there is something much better than TBO (tvo?) there. If we spend forever together, there is more time than we will know what to do with, which ultimately means there is no time--"No time to lose" there is quite different than losing time here.

Infinity cannot be measured--Except in the sense that if a friend is a soul bonded to yours forever, they are larger than life itself. If in an afterlife we have an unfamilar form, when we meet in that demension, we will still recognize each other and feel as we always have and perhaps better--relieved to be loose of the bonds that tie us down or hold us back here.

I will admit that I have burnt some bridges here, and I am hoping heaven is big enough that I don't run into other people like old boyfriends or exhusband types. But maybe in heaven, I won't feel or remember the painful actions of those who hurt me. Something will be better than sex there. So it is with meloncohly that I write this: you saw the writing on the wall many years ago and tried to steer me away from a head on collision with the fate that was before me. I have crashed, ignited and burned myself as well as him. The vile sounds that came out of me were to scare him from ever coming near me again. I know his temptest manipulations will always suck me into his false pretentious game. The cruelty of his intentions are that he really does not care how much it hurts me. I don't believe what he says, when he says he did not mean to cause me grief. It's just a way of life for him, a normalcy to have many women. Now I see it as malicious.

Regardless of my pain and hurt, a good friend would not do what he did. They would not use me and toss me aside when I was of no use to them. They just live their lives the best they can with integrity! They are compassionate and understanding without ulterior motives. They have wisdom to give advice and the strength of heart to watch us fall, but be there with a helping word to lift us up again. That, my friend, I cannot live without.

Time might heal, but it helps to get off of the wheel that keeps the clock ticking. With you, I don't even have to know how to tell time, digital, fractional, nor hour glass or 3-minute timer. You're a good egg! "Let's celebrate and have a good time..... Everyone around the world.... It's all right." Make plans for the New Years Eve. I want to stop grieving.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Humanity, Oscars and the Real Stars

A quesion was raised about the worth of the Oscars. My response is opposed to the downsided nature people might feel:

I do respect the choices of the Academy even if I do not agree with some (esp. when there is a lot of talent to choose from). I view them more wholisitcally, globally, and evolutionarily. They have come a long way, and many of the alcalades were down to earth and simple thanks to the people that matter most: Family, friends and humanity. Some touched the core of my being and grabbed my heart out of my chest. I notice the positive: the lowly, rise above mediocrity inspite of just being a human. There are some things that move me to tears.

I saw the dissappointed look from Mickey Rooney when the Poor me Pimp song won. It is clear the world has changed since the hay day of the Wizard of Oz, but Judy Garland commited suicide for a reason. This was the year of reality. We can only hide from it so long because at some point we are affected by it. I now know someone from every walk of life and am learning that I cannot be the judge of much, especially if I don't understand.

To know that the red carpet can help pave the way to Tolerance makes me proud to have been born in Los Angeles. And, if you knew what the red carpet covers, there is a practical reason they have to lay that down. It is to keep the long gowns clean from the literal filfth that lay beneath it. The very street beneath the feet of the Kodak Theatre is home to the homeless. Unsanitary conditions are finally being addressed this year thanks to the LA Times pushing the issue to pull a task force together. It is complicated: from the mentally ill to the criminally bent to the families who were one paycheck away from such descent.

To hear a member of the SAG acknowledge that Blacks no longer sit in the back, makes me proud to be of this generation, and yet we still have a long way to go. I actually wish I had more color. I am waiting to see Mogan Freedman receive his over due recognition from the Academy.

Though I have not yet seen Brokeback Mt., I was moved to know that a modest author from a modest publisher could tell a story that may have just moved a mountain toward Tolerance is an unbelieveable step for mankind. My heart goes out to all people in love.

Jimmy Kimmel and other comedians are trying to help. Oddly enough sex between heterosexuals has had to go through bad taste comedy to settle into mainstream values. Though it's not comfortable for those involved to be poked at for fun, it is what politicians know well now since Will Roger days. There has to be a place protected from political correctness.

Our God is an Awsome God, and we should act accordingly. I know I will be falling on my knees before him in thanks that I am not stoned to death. I am fortunate to happen to be born with my skin color and religion and in America. God is merciful and understanding. And somewhere in heaven there is room for a sense of humor. Many don't get that here, maybe they won't get it there either.

I know some people are anti-Hollywood because of the glitz and glamour and "the way they push the envelope" on societies. But I saw a lot of ordinary human beings, humbled to tell real stories that stir extrordinary emotions. I did not see jealousy from their colleagues who did not take home the trophies. I saw deep admiration and felt it in my core.

Competitors out there: Just remember, you can catch more flies with honey than you can vinegar. Please keep striving to attain your own dreams. I am grateful for the last image of those who have gone before us: Richard Pryor. And I thanked God that but for His Grace I do not have Lou Gherig's disease. And Richard handled it with grace that I'm not sure I would have. I will remember the unbearable glimpse of his unthinkable suffering; I thanked God he made me, and many of us, laugh for years.

You want to break into show biz; give show biz a break. Be thankful they help our economy with all the jobs they create, and be appreciative of all the philanthropic good they do.

There is enough bad or darkness everywhere. I beg of you who read this do not add to the darkness; step into the light and be part of what shines. In time that will be what matters most, no matter how small your light can beam. Every little beam counts. Numbers of stars or grains of sands, we are all in God's hand. We cannot fathom the heaven that holds so many. One day when we have the technology to literally read the writing on the walls, God will wave his hand over it to edit out the bad and show us movies of each of our precious lives and what they meant for eternity.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

It Takes a Village to Raise the Elderly

I have a lot for which to be thankful. Though I have my minor disabilities, I am not near death from them.

In an age where most neighbors close themselves in their homes, when we may only know one or two of our neighbors by last name, the rest of them are pretty much strangers. We may rationalize our distance by thinking our neighbor wants their privacy; so we don't go knocking on their door even if we need a measly cup of sugar.
But when you know they are very sick, and you do knock on their door, and they are unable to get up to answer the door, then you definintely leave them alone to have their dignity. And, praying seems hardly enough, but you fervently pray anyways.

I have been picking up my neighbors newspapers from his driveway which he is likely unable to read at this point and place them at his door out of view from the passer-bys. They use to dissapear; now, they are piled up high. His family checks on him regularly, but you know the newspapers in the driveway and by the door are the least of their concerns. I wanted to ask if I could read the Sunday paper. When actually as I write this, I should volunteer to read it to him.

I see the hospice nurses come every other day, and I mentioned to them if they needed anything that I was just across the street pending my own surgery and recovery, but I am available. They acknowledged that it was rare for a neighbor to approach them and offer to be of assistance.

This week I noticed lots of cars parked near my neighbors property. I was sad thinking that things have taken a turn nearing the end. Today, I noticed hospice and relatives helping lift this tall man, who still is masculine in his age, from the wheel chair into the car. He is blessed to still have his family nearby. His daughter still could smile, and his son-in-law has taken on the strong protector role. And me, I'm just the quiet neighbor who earnestly prays that my neighbor's needs be met.

Hospice workers are like angels helping the living in their greatest time of need. I see how gingerly they assist him and gently talk with him and how carefully they buckle his seat belt and kindly wrap him in a blanket. They deserve much reward in heaven.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Are You Oppressed by an Employer?

Hello out there in blogger's realm. I went into my employer's place of business yesterday to say farewell to a mentor colleague who is retiring. I am still trying to feel connected though I am on disability. The Principal of the school said at other campuses, employees on disability are not allowed to step foot on campus. And, she looked at me and told me she thought "Hum, if she is well enough to walk in here then why is she not well enough to work." I pointed out that I cannot grip a pen or pencil for a lengthy time that my finger tips are numb all of the time. Basically the over all impression that I get from administration is definite lack of compassion. But I am a firm believer that what goes are comes around. Someday they will be disabled and how they treated disabled people will come back to haunt them before they enter the grave.

Mind you, to get the full picture here, keep in mind that teachers where I work are only allowed to make 3 paperwork mistakes in a month. They get terminated the third month of mistakes. This is all because the State takes away attendance money if auditors see discrepancies like teacher's iniatials, signature, date, homework code and apportionment days or comments like good , bad, redo etc. are not on the student's paper work as well matching the computer forms.
Now I have seen excellent teachers buckle under this pressure. It is enough to create obsessive/compulsive disorders. Technically, I should see if I could find and attorney to start a class action suit against the State on behalf of all of teachers and districts with Alternative Ed. Programs (esp. Charter Schools) who lost revenue over these petty (non-educational) human errors. Attendance money should be separate from teacher's educational notations.

I have a very low tolerance for oppression, exploitation and unreasonable demands on employees. Though my employer pays a good salary with good benefits, there is an American public at large that is getting ripped off of decent wages and benefits. It does not take a rocket scientist to figure this out when people think $12/hour is a good wage. That was true in the '70s, but that same wage in the next millenium is ludicras, especially when the present cost of a two bedroom bungalow is nearly a half a million bucks in California. This sucks, and we're accepting this lot in life like blind helpless sheep. This scares the shit out of me because holocaust come out of this apathy. When are the American people going to take charge over ruthless employers?

I have to get my injuries/disabilities taken care of first. Then I will likely, simply move on to another job because with the restrictions I will have when I return, this employer shows no interest in "reasonably accomodating" me which they should according to the American Disability Act. In my heart, I think I should fight this; but my head said you can't win "fighting City Hall" so to speak. However, I have seen and heard colleagues at many different schools and friends at other places of business talk that somebody should do something to make someone pay or at least make changes. Sometimes I am that person to get change set in motion. May be I will be that person in this case. Who out there would support me?

I am not a Retail Clerk or Walmart fan for how badly they treat their employees, nor am I a Sears fan for that matter of NAFTA out sourcing. If I were an employer, I would demand the State of California reduce its Worker's Comp. cost to business owners, because the people benefitting (from the 40% of every dollar we are paid) are the doctors and the lawyers and the control freaks. It's disgusting. I seriously want to venture into my own business, but business has to change. Employers should be able to offer benefit packages with perks and really good pay so they do not have a high attrition rate and so that the economy can be stronger. If people do not have money to dispense and save, lifesyles become stagnant and evaporate. Don't you just hate this, and want to do something about it sometimes?

2 degrees away from boiling,

Kat

Saturday, January 14, 2006

This can be addictive

It amazes me how sucked in one becomes on a PC and Internet. I attack this key board like there is a really possiblity of finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I search for ways to learn how to get people to come to the site of my blog as if i would like to become famous or imfamous.

I realize that I do not have the content yet for that, but I am putting myself out there. Stop. I need to get something to eat. Breakfast and lunch time have since gone with my cup of coffee upon rising at 9 AM. I'll be back; I'm saving this as a draft at this moment.----------

I am back. The inter-workings of this web and directions to do this or that are for the most part vague. I feel like I am muddling through things, and my guess it that this is the addictive nature of technology. Muddling through things is a valid exploit; however, it is most inefficient. If I were a rich person, I would hire someone to cut through the mire and help me get exactly where I want or need to be. In the mean time, I feel like a junky, searching from link to link to get a fix: to fix my profile on this site, to get more hits on this site, to link to other sites and have them linked to mine. The time is killing me, but then, time is all I have. This is a choice.

I could choose to purge and organize paper files, do my will or tax prep, clean... etc. It is cold and very windy here in the AV and rainy in OC (where my loved one is); so it makes sense to me to do this instead of watching TV. My friends are not on line this fine day. So, I am here at home in the peace & quiet. If this is an addiction, at least I can be thankful that I am not in the gutter in this inclement weather. The cost for this fix is nominal to my phone bill--no where near the price for crack or cocaine. I will need to temper this when I go back to work, and not use it to procrastinate. Seeing how I don't have cable nor subscribe to the paper, this junk ain't a bad thing. It is a learning device. I just would like to get where I could quit my day job to do this, and start a night job doing dance.

Now dance would be an addiction worth having if I could get paid for it and create jobs for other people. At any rate, I seem to be obsessing about this and that: this, blogging stuff and that, getting a dance studio.

Thank you, those of you who are reading this. So far I have made 35 cents. It's a start. I hope someone stays with me to see how this and that evlove.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Just Navigating

What would Mark Twain or Robert Louis Stevenson think of this method on communicaiton? It gives me gray hair just thinking about it. I am a contemplative person that needs just this outlet. I am full of dreams and stories and feel awkward getting started. My focus is torn between dancing with my legs vs. typing with my fingers. i am finding that the Internet world is forgiving of typos misspellings and lower case I's for the pronoun i am, i will.iii...

I could use a career change soon, as my employer can allow (even the best) teachers to only make three paperwork mistakes in a month. That is stressful because we get terminated from our job if we make 10% errors because the state uses those mistakes to take money away from schools. God, forbid we require our students to all be functioning at better than 90%. It's a crazy world. I currently teach multiple subjects to independent study high school students. I miss my students a lot!!! Awaiting surgery on both hands for Carpal Tunnel. The typing isn't bad; it is holding the mouse the pen,pencil, phone, remote etc. that bother me. Don't expect me to be mistake free on top of this physical problem of going numb and cramping.

When I was young, I use to be a cheerleader and a drill team choreographer. I was in the jazz and modern dance clubs. In eigth grade, I was voted best dancer, and I still have a sexy set of legs, so they say. I have the desire to own a chain of dance studios for my retirement career.

I'm no jk rawling. But, I hope I leave the world with some story of the rich experiences in my life. That world would likely be my daughter, and grandchildren. They are my world. When I look into the eyes of my grandchildren I see everyone I knew before them and to come afterwards. The future is always in the seeds. JK Rowlings use to be a teacher. I would like to be a teacher who did more than teach, not that teaching is not enough. It is the most important job that I have had next to raising my own child. I just want to leave more of a legacy.

So I am hoping this blogging will lead to other opportunities. i hope someone is out there listening (reading) to what I have to say. I just want to see my way through this electrical maze. it's not like the haze of the sun or moon light through a dense fog. It's a blog. What does blog mean?

Should you know more about me? I am a Natural Resources Management major who use to be an armed responder and had the nerve to jump out of a plane (with a parachute). does the "b" stand for biography?

I just stumbled on it.

I am a teacher who is nearing retirement (say 7 years from now). I will need to have a retirement career. I have contemplated being a writer, but it seems daunting a task to make more than a dime for my time. I had read an article about a teacher who transitioned from his day job to blogging all of the time via the advertisements that get hit on his page generate enough income now. "Wow"is all I have to say.

Lo, and behold, I found a way to get advertisements on my blogging page. How much one gets paid per hit is unknown to me at this time. But, I figured that it is not a bad start. I hope you don't find this offensive but a person has to do something to survive.

If I had a hammer

Do you know how this song goes? "If I had a hammer, I 'd hammer in the morning, I'd hammer in the evening, all over this land. ... I'd hammer out danger, ...warning...I ....hammer out the love between my brothers and my sisters all over this land...um um um um." Well, I am gathering that this blogging is a way to do so. How do I really get started? I need to learn how to use these technology tools. I am fumbling to figure things out, but I know that is a strategy. I would just like to become more efficient. Any suggestions out there?