Out of Synch

uhg. I feel a rant coming on.
I have isolated myself way too much since before my surgery.
I have a job that I probably spend too much time at.
I need to get back to the gym on a regular basis, and I need to stop worrying that I WILL RUN INTO MY EX-WHATEVER HE WAS.
I NEED TO STOP WORRYING THAT I AM NOT GOOD LOOKING ENOUGH FOR SOMEONE AS YOUTH IS FADING FAST, AND SOME OLD CODGER (MY AGE) IS NOT GOING TO LOOK ANY BETTER IN THE MIRROR THAN I DO. Handsome is as hondsome does and that has never been a problem for me.

I HAVE MET SOME BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE ON LINE, AND I DO NOT HAVE TO SEE THEM TO KNOW THAT THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL. SOME ARE SO NICE YOU CAN'T HELP BUT REALIZE THAT YOU CAN FALL IN LOVE WITH PEOPLE WHO JUST TREAT YOU REALLY WELL. I SOMETIMES GET CAUGHT UP IN THE WORLD OF HURT, AND JUST NEED TO KNOW THAT I AM WORTH BEING LOVED. WHEN I DO NOT GET THE LOVE I NEED, I LASH OUT AND THEN SET UP THE VISCIOUS CYLE OF REAPING WHAT I SOW. I JUST NEED TO KEEP BEING NICE EVEN IF I DON'T GET LOVE FROM THE PEOPLE WHOM I WANT LOVE FROM like the following: my immediate family, STUDENTS, COLLEAGUES, THE OPPOSITE SEX, other RELATIVES, OR PERFECT STRANGERS. They are all simply too busy, which is rationale for me to be just as busy.

WHY DO I FEEL IT IS NECESSARY TO LOOK FOR SOMEONE ON LINE WHEN THERE IS A TOWN OF PEOPLE AROUND ME. FEAR?
YES, FEAR IS WHAT HOLDS ME BACK BEHIND THIS SCREEN.
FEAR IS WHAT KEEPS ME TALKING TO MYSELF WITH EVERY KEY STROKE.
AND THEN THE ASSININE THING ABOUT THAT IS THAT IT HURTS MY SPINE UP AND DOWN MY BONES ALL OVER , my body HATEs ME FOR IT.
SO WHY THE HELL DO I DO IT?
To NOT FEEL LONELY.
THE TRUTH IS I AM STILL LONELY DESPITE THE CONNECTIONS MADE WITH MY FINGERTIPS.

I need to get busy living a real life instead of a virtual one. So if I come to this computer, I need to set a time limit and a goal. I need to spend more time on the structure of my business plan and heck maybe higher someone to do the marketing. I have made some stable contacts that communicate with me without ulterior motives. And I have made some savvied business associates whom I admire. I keep coming back to them for inspiration and encouragement. I've been a myspacer now for 11 months and these folks have been on my screen every day to remind me that dance and good friends are a good part of life. I must free myself from this keyboard to spread my wings, fly.

I must learn that “Speak Naturally” computer program to do the typing for me. What’s holding me back is fear, fear; frigid fear is keeping me from getting it in gear. Any suggestions in how to cut loose those bonds of darkness or desperation to cling to the old ways. Technology is busting me and yet it is the tool to more freedom. Honestly, I would love a techno-savvy man to drop into my life. But then I would not learn what I need to in order to swing this business into shape.

Except if I were rich. Then I would hire the people with the know-how. No the real steps are baby ones. Me and My body come first and foremost.

Forgive me for my ranting:
I have to get on with the laundry and dishes and such before work is upon me tomorrow. I am just venting to get me out of my rut. One thing I am doing is typing to smooth jazz music. It is helping lift my spirits, which I am hoping will transfer into body energy.

MY PRAYER: God save me from failing. Help me be what you designed me to be. Help me cut the crap and clutter out of my life. Help me get my house in order, if not for me for my remaining loved ones. I know You can come like a thief in the night. Just help me get some things right and in order before that day comes. Take my afflictions away just in time for me to do what is necessary. My body is having a tough time and I am just beginning my 50’s. Allow me to love it regardless of the pain and not feel guilty about it and the lack of love it has. Obviously there is not a proper man to help me in more ways than one. So, I am publicly asking you to bless me with the time I have left so that I may use it wisely. Healing me may be asking too much. Maybe I am not meant to live as long as I would like. I certainly don’t want to live much longer if I still have the pains of aging and I can’t keep up my home improvements and life’s goals. It’s weird because my mind doesn’t feel old. Help me Lord. I don’t want to just exist.“I know you know I know so let’s get this show on the road.”